Selfish? Who? Me?

Talking to a young lady who had my interests at heart pointed out after I made the comment about someone we both knew and loved that "She is selfish.", I was reminded that we are all selfish and I responded, "Maybe, but I am a little less!", to which she chuckled. Our phone came to an end shortly thereafter as she reached her destination.

I of course felt I had lived a pretty selfish life for many reasons. but I wondered why I wasn't getting the same reasoning from people like the person I was talking to a little while ago. I fell asleep that night disappointed that the Yanks and the Jets both blew their ballgames. I woke up the next day however thinking not about the teams blowing their games but wondering if people thought I was selfish when I was certainly not.

I went to the 7 AM mass as is my custom still perplexed about what I considered a misconception about my life. This is where the story becomes a bit mysterious. But first let me set the context. At my daily mass I have conversations with Jesus, mostly what I am telling him and occasionally he talking to me though thoughts, homily's or biblical readings of the day. While I was in the middle of expressing my views about my being unselfish a thought of something that happened some 50 years ago popped into my head, truthfully I hadn't remembered this for some years but it was vividly being displayed in my imagination this day.

It was a Saturday. My father was in the last throes of his cancer. We had the last of our 7 children and they were mostly in diapers. I was getting very little sleep working two jobs and going to night college. I would get up at 3 and place my name in early place to play golf. Golf was very important to me. After Golf I would visit my father and mother and sit with them for a few hours counting his minutes left here before he entered eternity. This Saturday after signing up for an 8 tee time I returned home to find that my wife was not feeling well. The kids were already driving her crazy. I really should have stayed home but I would've missed seeing my father and what seemed like a mortal sin, I would've  missed my GOLF (Horrors), so I convinced my wife that she was really OK just dragging a bit in fact I had her do a few stretching exercises to prove she was OK.

I went and played a round and didn't do badly, for me anyway. I was at my fathers with my mom when I got a call about 4 PM from one of the neighbors, my wife gave her the number, my wife was in bed for bed rest according to the doctor who said she had bronchitis and bursitis and would I come home to take care of her and the kids. I really felt awful about this but after all I got my golf in and nobody died. I guess I forgot about this conveniently because this was a completely selfish day and I didn't want to think about me being so into myself I couldn't see the that the person I loved so much needed me and I failed her.

The mass proceeded. After communion I thanked Jesus because I knew he got to me to understand I guess we are all selfish at times and sometimes not just a little selfish, but enough to realize that there must of been more times in my life that I was even more selfish that this time, but Jesus was kind enough to let me off the hook figuring I got the lesson he was trying to teach me. So I left the church with the admonishment of not to be so quick to judge, especially when it comes to judging yourself. 

 

Memories? Actual or A Play On What Happened?

Memory plays tricks . But it isn't memory that causes this it is the Id, Ego and Super-Ego that transforms things that actually happened to what a person "wants" it to be.

I know two people who shared a sexual relationship, they kissed, hugged, rolled around together fully naked and shared very intimate moments and actions. Yet one says they never had sex while the other remembers when that person screamed in delightful ecstasy actually thanking the partner for passion and sexual delights.

This dichotomy is not only happening at the sexual level it happens at all levels.  It comes to mind that one person's parent was going through the pain of dementia which included anger, wandering, forgetting and great confusion. The caregiver knew someone who experienced all this including the confusion of figuring out finances and placement in hospitals and nursing homes.  The caregiver enlisted this person's help including listening to the fact the patient couldn't change but the healthy ones could and should just to keep everyone's sanity. Talking with the parent, accompanying the caregiver to hospitals and nursing homes until everything was settled. Help was asked and given even though the experienced one was reliving the pain of what had to be lived with the problems encountered previously. The passage of time has left different impressions of what had happened. The helper remembers the time given with love and help that was needed. The caregiver, as time passes, seems to think no one helped. Nothing malicious in this but just the way it is as time changes situations and people become distant for whatever reasons.

Humans have a way of changing events in their minds to fit the circumstances they want because maybe it is too painful to admit their childhood was lacking parental love and guidance, or perhaps a breakup of a love affair happened because they simply fell out of love and what was exciting once is no longer exciting.  Whatever the reason the memories are tainted by what the mind wants to accept.

My thought is one can never be truly happy living a lie. One has to clear the mind tricks the brain plays upon us because only by finding the truth will we be able to understand who we are and where we should be going on this highway of life.