Love? Do we truly understand the meaning?

If I would venture a guess as to which word is used by most people through out the world it would be the word for an emotion that is so great it probably rules the world. In English speaking countries we have one word describing this great power, LOVE. The ancient Greeks had four words to try and capture the true meaning of this great force. The problem with the four words were they were separate. The tried to best describe the different forms of love but in separating the levels I think they lost the true meaning and from whence this emotion, this force actually comes.

The first thing one has to consider is that we humans are made up of two elements, one physical, the other spiritual. I don't care if you believe in a supreme being or not you have got to believe there is more than just the physical that rules. We go to sleep and almost enter the breach begin death and life for many hours only to awake refreshed. What goes on with us in those hours? Our mind can free us to travel many miles and if we have the sharpened ESP we can contact a person who is many, many miles away. There are things going on in the air around us, pictures sent, voices that can't be heard unless the proper equipment is used but that doesn't deny the fact that these images are being sent throughout the universe. This is more of a spiritual experience instead of a physical one. Rather than going on with this I shall say our spiritual makeup contains this emotional force which is captured in us, our brain, our body, but breaks out of this environment to join the great power of love that is outside us.

A baby when born feels the need to be held, cuddled, loved. When that feeling is nurtured the emotion grows within that individual. When love is withheld the feeling doesn't disappear but is retarded in its growth. Where does this great force emanate from? I believe in a supreme being whose very existence is this force we call love. You may not agree but the force is there and is captivating. It may be the most driving force affecting humanity. The thing is it is eternal, never having a beginning and end, which is why many of us realize God is love, and love is God.

This emotion is so great and uplifting it has to be shared. The driving force behind this emotion, call it God or the unknown, wants to be shared, and is given to all to share. One just has to observe how your pet, dog, is overjoyed when you come into his life. Some fools say an animal doesn't feel and only has reflexes but they never knew the joy of sharing a life with a pet. Koko a big hairy scary Gorilla who has a vocabulary, American sign, of over 1,000 words and understands at least 2,000 words of spoken English has communicated how she cried when she lost her baby. This great big creation who would make us run if we saw her in the wild is shown with her pet cat. She is holding this little being to her massive chest. She could crush it easily. But no, she loves it and it loves her as the cat feels safety in her massive arms as Koko gently cuddles the cat to her chest. Yes this great emotion is out there and if we let it can capture us and propel us to the greatest heights.

On a human level this great force can be exhibited between two people who fall in love with each other. A strange term, "fall in love", no? But somehow with this great emotion all around us and within us when we meet another the chemistry just reaches out from one to the other and the force which is always around us envelopes these two people and they are lifted to great ecstasy.  Many times other forces make this euphoria fade which is sad. Sometimes that force outside of us forces us to realize what we are missing. There may be a joyous event that brings us back to the state of love. Other times the event may seem catastrophic but it was necessary to bring everyone to levels that were even more seeped in love, a deeper love that could only be experienced by one party taking themselves out of the equation so that the other party could be taken care of, loved more deeply than could have ever been imagined. Sometimes the overwhelming force pushes together people that have no business being together because they need to be reminded that life is OK. That life without love is really no love at all. The force, I prefer God, sees people who need each other because in some way they were wounded and they forgot the joys of being in love, of experiencing moments outside of themselves that somehow made them better. So this great force throws together those that need each other to reach fulfillment that could not be reached with any other, no matter how crazy it may seem to those observing. Those are the situations which are really scary and some might run from it but others might run towards it in anticipation of happiness not yet realized and trust in the force that brings them together.

Not to take anything out of context but St. Paul in his first Epistle to the Corinthians in talking about God's love captures it all and without knowing it he was talking about the great force which fills all of us, God for all his creation, Humans, and the other Animals and whatever was created in love. But most of all what should fill us, each for the other because we are all created to be lovers. So I shall end this with:

The first epistle of St. Paul to the Corinthians, chapter 13

24 октомври 2007 in Quotes | Tags: Quotes

1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part,

10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

       

The best-laid schemes o' mice and men Gang aft agley

Life is filled with quirky turns that one never expects. Everything seems to be going in a specific direction then suddenly a confluence of happenings occurs and one finds himself in a situation, in a life never  imagined or even wanted yet better than anyone could imagine.

Some six years ago he was OK with his situation. His wife was in a Nursing Home slowly succumbing to the Brain eating disease called Alzheimer's. She didn't know him but he knew her and that's all that mattered. His mother after being felled by a major stroke some fourteen years prior was near death and his brother was falling to lung cancer. But he had come to accept all this. While he would've planned it slightly different he was OK with his life as he got major support from his children to help him get through the night.

As he was relaxing watching TV at home during a major storm before going to the Nursing Home a confluence of events happened that changed his life forever. A major storm caused his home to be destroyed  His insurance company went bankrupt. He had no place to live and no insurance money to put him up at a Motel but he had offers from his children to live with them until matters could be settled. His Daughter-In-Law Kathleen offered her house and he accepted. He wasn't sure if Kathleen really wanted him to accept because their relationship had been a bit thorny over the years. He figured he would handle that but her house was in the vicinity of the Nursing Home. So with both Kathleen and he holding their collective breaths they prepared themselves for what would be only a few months at best. How wrong they both were.

It wasn't as if they didn't know each other. They had known each other since Kathy was a teenager working in a Saturday program for kids and parents in need. He did notice that this little Irish Coleen was interested in his son who also worked the program. Now what he noticed was his son used to be active with some of the other teeny boppers and when he got too active Kathy would seem to move in to distract the activity. Afterwards they became active in a what looked like a pretty hot relationship which he guessed it was as they married and set about making a life for themselves.

So what's this thorny relationship you were referring to? Sometimes he couldn't help himself. He knew she came from a real Irish family. He figured they sat down to eat spoke in hushed tones and didn't show much emotions. Well when she first came over to eat with his family there was maybe 10 or 12 people there. The food was spicy. The discussions were loud. AND the TV was turned towards the table with a game of something or other on. This might of seen a bit confusing to this little Irish Lass, who was nervous, and he spotted that so he teased her. One thing about Kathy, she doesn't like to be teased. His whole family spent most of their time together teasing each other loudly and laughing with some crying. All this became to much for Kathy. She went home that night feeling that she couldn't wait to get home to her quiet home and bland food. She might have regurgitated the Spaghetti Carbonara but at least her headache was letting up.

Well as the days and years went by, he continued to find ways to annoy Kathy. As she became more comfortable being part of this crazy family she fought back. But since he was in the whole thing just to get her goat she could never say anything that could upset him. She even let her voice rise to a crescendo now and then that would fit in any Italian's table. She didn't really hate him but she could have. He saw that she and his son were soul mates and that was the only important thing that mattered to him. BUT he would never show it. Also he thought Kathy really like his wife and that is important too.

So here we find ourselves with the confluence of events that throws these people together living in the same house. This couldn't work out could it? Well first of all Kathy's goodness came into play and she really felt sorry for him and for his wife. He decided no matter how much he wanted to tease her so he could see her Irish rise to the surface he really couldn't because he would be disrupting their life styles. When he teased her and she went home it was over. She could call him a SOB and her husband could hold her and comfort her and it would actually be making their love life better. Not now, he had to be a good boy.

It is some 6 1/2 years later and a lot of other events have happened which led to Kathy's family and her father-in-law living together in the rebuilt house and getting along nicely thank you. He still sees where he could drive her crazy but he wants a quiet home. He also sees that she puts on a facade which doesn't let anyone except those close to her see her softness and caring. He isn't sure where this will end but he figures if he can keep his speech down a bit in a few years he will bite the dust and they will have all survived.

In these years many things have changed besides them living together. His wife passed on to what he was sure was her release from Alzheimer's. Though she is gone he will never forget her. His Mom and brother also passed away as did some close relatives and friends. He was getting ready to join them all as he settled into waiting for his decline, not depressed, not ever as he liked to laugh too much. But he became to accept what he thought was God's will. Then a confluence of events happened which were spurred by this new social interaction on Facebook of all places. What was an old guy like him doing on Facebook?

His Daughter is a budding author, a good one too, was starting to Blog. When he told her he found that interesting she encouraged him to try it. One can't Blog without readers and one of the things to do was to get circulation. He had to join Twitter and Facebook. But he rarely did anything with these things except post his blog. Then one day he had a friend request from a name he did not recognize at first he was about to delete but something prodded him to check this name out. He went to her page and saw that they worked together some 25 years ago. She was a kid then and for all intents and purposes, she compared to him, was still a kid. Anyway he befriended her and they met for lunch and he had to admit a spark was starting to generate from deep with inside him. One meeting led to another and he definitely knew he was falling head over heels for her. He wasn't being rejected. He no longer is waiting to join his dearly departed because there is too much living yet to be done.

Yes, God has a way of taking those of us who start to become too weary to fight the bumps and holes of life and making us see there is always the beauty, the thrills, the loves of life He offers if we only make the effort. And for those of us who don't want to make the effort he might just throw some events at us that might shake us up and make us fight the good battle. The fellow I am writing about is so glad that God did just that using Kathy and his new found love.

      

July 21, 2006 A Date That will LIve In My Memory

A few days ago there was a particularly violent thunder storm which caused a lot of havoc in the New York Area. I am sure I will forget the details of that storm in a short time but it reminded me of July 21, 2006 when we had experienced a similar storm. I was hanging around waiting for ten o'clock to come about so I could get to the Nursing Home to visit my wife and mother. My home which at one time had been always quite crowded with the sound of human activity, voices, music, laughing, dogs barking and Myna birds talking had been silenced for some time now and I was left to watch TV by myself as I whiled away the time. I was lying on my bed. The British Open was on and it was clear in Briton but it was raining like hell here and thunder and lightening was causing all sorts of weird noises. It was about nine in the morning and Ernie Els had just struck his putt and the camera was following the ball as it was just approaching the hole a loud crack was heard throughout the house and the TV went blank causing me to curse under my breath because I wouldn't know if the putt dropped or not and I personally liked Mr. Els. The overhead fan had stopped and the lights were out. "What the hell is happening?" I thought as I headed downstairs to check the circuit breakers.

I got as far as the basement stairs which were close to the stairs heading upstairs where at least five of my kids used to sleep and I smelled something strange. I went all the way to the top and looked into the now empty room and there was nothing strange yet the strange smell was even stronger. To the side was a door that a storage room laid behind. The smell seemed to come from there so I went to open the door and just before I pulled it open a tongue of flame found its way under the door and tried to lick my feet. Seeing this I shouted to my lower extremities, "Legs don't fail me now!" and ran downstairs to call the Fire Department as it seems that my house was a fire. Of course the phone didn't work.

I ran to my next door neighbor and asked if I could use their phone as it appeared that my house was set ablaze by a lightening strike. I called 311 and they directed me to the proper place after I answered what was some really important questions like my address and some other questions that seemed inane at the time and I couldn't answer. The first fire truck came in about ten minutes and was apologetic about being late because they were attending to another house about a half mile away who also seemed to be hit by lightening. The thought struck me that God was certainly having his fun that day. The second company arrived. They entered and came out to ask if anyone was in the house, pets included. You see the upstairs was really ablaze but they would have entered the room if anyone was there, which i thought was extremely brave but I assured them that no-one was in the house. They then proceeded to put out the fire. First the water was turned on and the hose filled my house with the wet stuff and the ladders went up and the windows were broken both up and down. There must of been tons of water poured into the house. They were running into it with axes and such and some were brought out and had to be brought to the hospital. Watching them I knew now why I never became a fireman, for the women reading this, Fire-person.

My neighbors were gathering around and showed concern for me but I was sort of pacing up and down the block in pants and undershirt which my daughter describes as "Your wife-beaters shirt". I was having a great time meeting people I barely spoke to over 34 years of living there. We shared a few jokes, had a few laughs and some offered me a room in their house to stay in while my house would be reconstructed. I thought this was very nice. I noticed another group standing there, about 10 or 12 which I found out later were Licensed Adjusters which were guys that represented the insuree for a fee, and they wanted your business badly. I was warned by the Firemen to be careful of choosing one of them as they were referred to as "sharks" and were capable of eating everything up that was in their way as they represented you. This was particularly disconcerting to me at the time because I never realized the relationship between me and my insurer would be sort of adversarial. By the time this was all happening some of my children were beginning to appear.

Anthony, my second son, was returning from driving my brother to and from his chemo therapy session. My brother went directly to the Nursing Home after he was dropped off at his place. He was dying from lung cancer at the time. Anyway, Tony was driving back home and he noticed black smoke coming from a direction of the house he lived in for 20 odd years. He thought, I wonder who or what is on fire? As he got closer he marveled that it was on the block where he once lived. He wondered to himself what was happening as he parked his car. Wondering what his father was doing he approached the block, "Holy S**T" he thought "That's our house.", well not really his but I guess the kids never really give up the house they grew up in. Then he saw this old guy walking up and down the block in his Italian, wife beaters undershirt, and realized that guy was me, his father. He came up to me and I said something like can you believe this. We had a few laughs and waited as the Firemen battled to put out the fire. I really don't remember the details but suddenly there was my Daughter, my first son Jude and the rest were contacted by phone. Everybody was offering a room to stay in and I chose Tony's because it was close to the Nursing Home. A big crowd was assembled, The sharks I mentioned before, the neighbors and the Newspapers. I was interviewed by the NY Post but never published nor did it make the TV news but the Bayside Times did a front page thing so it wasn't all a waste. Finally the fire was put out and the house was destroyed by fire, smoke and water. The basement was a disaster as the water pored in from top reached the bottom.

The Adjusters were swarming around for the kill and were all trying to get me to commit to them. One guy and his son followed us into the house which was dripping water and he was somewhat persuasive. I couldn't find the the insurance papers and Geico's number but he did for us and I contacted them and found out Geico was the broker and they gave me the number of the insurance company which were very nice people especially when they told me two days later that they had declared bankruptcy. Ah, but I digress, this is about the day not what followed. Any way my Daughter and one of my sons were telling me not to sign anything but we needed people to board up the house and take out the clothing for cleaning and such so I was leaning towards this guy who was so helpful and was ignoring the dangers of being in this house when a piece of the ceiling fell and hit him on his head and he was cut and bleeding and trying to get me to sign the paper and this bothered me somewhat. He seemed to anxious but he was bleeding? At that moment One of my children came in to tell me that a neighbor with whom we all had been friendly was recommending the guy outside from Champion Adjustment, I met the guys and they were full of good humor and were recommended and signed with them to the great annoyance to the guy who was standing in the background with a bloody handkerchief pressed to his head trying to stop the bleeding. The minute we signed the paper suddenly the guys appeared to take out all the clothes and board up the house. There were some problems that came up between us in the aftermath because of my insurance company going belly-up but in the overall they were great for us especially for the first part and getting us a builder on spec as we waited to settle the Insurance issue which was handled by my son the Lawyer whose expertise was really needed as was my son's Tony and Jude and all who were involved in reaching the value accepted by the State of personal property. The State is the insurer of last resort when stuff like this happens, like the insurer going bankrupt.

Anyway, back to the day, finally we had to leave the block and we were going over to Tony's for Pizza when we saw my brother drive up. He was a mess like the walking dead but he was concerned as the Nursing Home whom I contacted to let them know I wouldn't be able to be with my wife that day told him about the fire which I didn't want them to do. Yet perhaps this was a fitting end to the day on the block. We had Pizza and we all laughed at the day. It was sort of like a party. Before the day was over Tony, Maria, my Daughter and I went to Kohl's to buy some clothes for me. When we hit the checkout we told the story to the check out cashier and she said she wanted to touch me because I must be very lucky as I could have very easily been dead instead I had family and loved ones giving me support. She called her supervisor or manager over and they discussed something which resulted giving me a 15% discount.

Yes the storm a few days ago brought back the memories of a day that could have been a great tragedy but instead it brought the fact home to me that I've got a great family, neighbors that care even though we barely say good-morning and good-night. That when it really looks like your life is going down the crapper it really isn't and if you can find humor in what seems the darkest moments soon the brightness of the sun comes in to let you see the beauty that surrounds you always.    
      

Echoes Of The Past

He was getting closer to the date 7/27 where it would mark 55 years they would have been together if she didn't leave him some 4 1/2 years ago. That's a long time to build up memories, memories that are sweet to remember but sour to the taste that they couldn't enjoy all of them with one another. It seems that the stations he listens to always play the songs at this time of year that bring the memories echoing loudly from the past.

"Teach Me Tonight" was just playing and that was the song that was playing on the very first date they were on. He pursued her vigorously until she finally agreed to a date. They got into the car he switched on William B. Williams, WNEW, and the Demarco sisters were singing that song. he remembered thinking maybe this would be his lucky night as the vocal started "Did You Say I Have A lot to learn..............Teach me tonight!".
Their date was by the waterfront and they did share a kiss he still remembers some 57 years later.

Just the other day they were playing on this station, "Don't Take Your Love From Me" which brought him to their first dance together on their wedding day. He was home on leave and they were to be married and go on their honeymoon then live off-base until his discharge about a year later. A few days prior to that Saturday, he went to visit a favorite Uncle who was dying of lung cancer, he knew he was sick but not that sick. This was a sadness he would remember to this day, his Uncle wasting away, his aunt so helpless and his cousin who he always considered more sister than cousin frightened but trying to be strong. His cousin did make the Mass because she was at the back of the church when they came from the altar and they kissed but she had to get back to the death bed. He cried inside for all of them while he was overjoyed because she was his and he hers forever. Something he never understood but experienced the heights of happiness while the sadness of the day pulled him back to earth.

Their first dance, "Don't Take Your Love From Me" played as he whispered the lyrics in her ear, "Tear A Star From Out The sky and The Sky Feels Blue...............Don't take your love from me." And soon the day was over and they raced home to change because they were off to Miami Beach for their Honeymoon.
The plane ride was horrendous, his chair was broken, there were screaming bratty kids disrupting everyone but nothing could take the joy that was to be theirs in a few hours. When they entered the room she was upset because she booked a waterfront room and their room faced Collins Avenue. He calmed her down explaining the drapes would be drawn most of the time they were there. He ordered orange juice and she changed as they waited for room service. When it came, the drapes were drawn, the radio was put on and "Moon Over Miami" was playing as they forgot the orange juice.

The following years were filled with joys and tears and more than some children. Through all the rough spots they never went to bed without making up. They never stopped loving. She was a very good mother with great instincts. The fact of the matter he always thought she loved the children more than him. She probably did. But he remembered when most of them were conceived and treasured the moment of such love, spiritual and physical giving them the present of the physical expression of their great love. He used to tell her that when they died he prayed they'd go together but she wasn't happy with that thought. She always was concerned as to how the children would get along if they weren't around so he changed his thought that he should die first because he couldn't stand to be without her.

As I told you there were a lot of ups and downs. Some where around the late 1980's as they were experiencing another rough patch, he sadly thought she had lost interest in him and his crazy ways. Whitney Houston was singing, "This time we almost made it. Didn't we girl?". But not a few years after she suffered a great heart attack which she recovered from nicely but she started to show traces of Alzheimer's and as they went from Doctor to Doctor he understood the rough patches were not from the girl he married but from the girl who was having her brain destroyed, eaten up by this lousy disease. The song went from Houston's to The New World Seekers, "I'll Never Have Another You"......"There's a new world somewhere...........
But I'll never have another you."

As she sank deeper into the disease she lost who he was. He wasn't hers anymore but "A nice guy who helps me". But when they made love she would suddenly recognize him and at the moment her face would return to the state he  knew and she would say his name. Until the time came when that stopped and she told everyone he was abusing her and maybe one day would maim him. He knew that no matter what state she was in she could never do that. She had to be washed, cleaned and treated as you would treat a baby. She ended up in a Nursing home where the Aides knowing how much he loved her would allow him to help them clean her, assisting with the lift and applying the creams so she would not have bed sores. But he was happy just being able to be with her. She developed cancer and some other things and then she slipped into eternity.


Years passed and he was sure that his life was over with hers. Some suggested that he should let it go but he wasn't depressed just resigned. His life was great joy filled with love for her. He never told God, in his prayers and discussions with him, that he felt cheated, or was angry. Not many could have been so blest. But he did suggest to God that perhaps the time had come for him to meet her again for what could be left for him here. And God listened and God chuckled. Not revealing anything he let him find his own way.

Life has a quirky way about it. That's like saying God is a bit quirky. But purely by chance he met someone and despite all the things that say that this is not a good match, it just might be. Now he isn't suggesting to his creator that maybe he should leave this earth, not just yet. Let us see how this plays out. He will never forget his first love but that doesn't mean that a second one can't be as exciting and thrilling but in a different way.
There aren't any specific songs as the music is just beginning to play and there are a lot of songs to be sung.    
  

No Hurts, No Joy, Risk It

There was a time when he could keep his emotions under control.  What the hell, he thought, I let everyone into what's going on within me and then they can attack my vulnerabilities very easily because everyone is out for themselves. It was much easier to hide behind the facade of not giving a damn. After all he did try the approach of being more attuned to the vibes around him but he had been hurt too much to continue doing that.

Business wise he tried to play it fair but there were crucial times that his best friends betrayed him just when he needed them most. Even when he attempted to right the ship that was taking water there was always business associates who were competing with him not to necessarily do the right thing but to satisfy the higher ups so they could win greater recognition. So he figured the hell with it I will survive and the way to do that is to never let those on the outside see who he really was, what he really felt.

The one girl he really loved and with whom he really felt comfortable was taken from him too, too soon. But people were not going to see the inner emotions which were driving his insides apart as he mourned her disappearance. So he lived his life with the quick hand shake, back slap and laughs always lots of laughs. No one would see the tears behind the laughs. No one would be able to hurt him anymore.

So he went through this stage of his life taking a lot but giving very little. Why take the chance and then once any one could see his vulnerabilities he could be attacked. Screw that. He was never hurt during these years. His shield was up and no one was going to penetrate it. But, the only trouble was the longer he lived that way the more he became a person going through the motions. Sure there were no tears but the laughter was as hollow as his soul was becoming. He was safe though, and that is what mattered.

Then by chance he met her. They seemed to hit it off and he figured she'd be good for a few laughs. They went out for a few times and the emotions he was hiding all these years were starting to rise up from within him. He would fight to keep the feelings inside of him after all, he wasn't going to be hurt again, by rejection, by betrayal, by showing off his weak spots.

The longer they saw each other the harder it was to keep his emotions bottled up. Could he risk it? Truth be known, he knew that not letting himself be subject to the chance of being hurt he might avoid pain but he would also keep the feelings of joy, the feelings of passion bottled up never to be experienced again. He realized he had to take the chance. and tonight was the night. Since he met her he wanted to laugh again the laugh of true mirth not the hollow laugh of derision. He wanted to be able to shed tears of happiness and sadness. He wanted to reclaim himself. He wasn't sure what her reaction might be or how he would be able to let her see the weak part of him. His facade was to be strong, tenderness was not to be shown But now he he knew that he had to let her see all of him and he feared that once seen she would run away with derisive laughter.

That night as they were at dinner he reached over and held her hand. Trying not to look foolish he told her how much he loved her and then held his breath. She looked like she didn't know what to say but just before she was about to answer he asked her to listen to something he memorized from "The Bridges Of Madison County" explaining in words he could never conjure up where his emotions were in relation to her.

In my imagination, on foggy mornings or
afternoons with the sun bouncing
off the water, I try to
think of where you might be in your life and
what you might be doing as
I'm thinking of you. Nothing complicated-
going out to your garden,
sitting on your front porch, standing
at the sink in your kitchen. Things like
that. I remember everything. How you
smelled, how you tasted like the
summer. The feel of your skin against mine,
and the sound of your
whispers as I loved you.

When he finished she had tears in her eyes and whispered I love you. When he heard this all the emotions he had held in all these years burst forward, as his eyes whelmed with tears of happiness. He leaned over the the table finally throwing all caution to the wind and kissed her passionately and long.  

Reap The Wild Wind and Live!

Life has a way of playing funny tricks. He had many disappointments and a few triumphs but he had decided a few years ago to stop playing at the game. He loved, and lost. There was a burning feeling, a searing of the soul that went along with both experiences. He felt all the better for having had those experiences but quite frankly it all took too much out of him. He decided to get his life on an even plane. He had enough of the dreams, hopes, loves had and lost. The best thing to do is get everything in order. No bumps in the road like having a dream of swinging for the fences and then just having the ball reach the warning track and die into the outfielder's glove. No new relationships that with all the joys, heights of emotions are followed by the thud of watching them crash destroying all the hopes and passion that was associated with them. F***K it he thought, life's crazy roller coaster rides are going to be over for me. It is better to have an orderly life with no great hopes or expectations but a life controlled by logic which will lead to a stable environment, with lower expectations but fewer highs and lows. This may be duller but less painful. And so as I said before he settled into being very comfortable not expecting too much but getting through the days and nights without any pain what-so-ever. He acknowledged to himself that the life he was living might be a bit hum drum but at least he was avoiding the big swings of emotions associated with high goals, and a loving relationship. Yes he was quite comfortable.

Then quite by chance he met someone he knew from a very long time ago. The fact of the matter was he didn't recognize this person at first but as they talked the images of the past began to unfold in his mind and he realized he did know the one he was talking with and he felt surprisingly at ease in striking up a conversation after all these years. They exchanged contact numbers and agreed to be in touch. When they parted he thought they'd probably never see each other again. But as it happened one day when he was walking in town they spotted one another and instead of him running away he ran toward this person. The talk was easy and without realizing it he suggested they meet for dinner. They continued to meet and suddenly his complacency stared to fade as he looked forward with expectations towards each meeting. Suddenly his aspirations were starting to make him reach higher. Suddenly he wanted to have goals, succeed again. He was alive with the vibrancy generated by each meeting and it inspired not only deep feelings of desire but a need to have goals and succeed again.

His fears of being disappointed in his endeavors, of only hitting with warning track power, suddenly didn't matter anymore. He never let obstacles stop him before, why should he now? He felt the inner feeling of starting to care for another again. This began to bother him because of the fear of rejection. Rejection that may not be there at first but then the way life throws those wicked curves, later. His inner self was in a turmoil. Yes he wanted goals, dreams, aspirations, but he really didn't want to start on a new road again and then run out of time. His inner self was fighting against any deep relationship because he knew the dangers that lay in front of him if one developed. Then suddenly, one night at dinner they impulsively reached across the table and kissed, a sweet, hot desirable kiss that went from their lips to the depths of their very souls. He knew then that he needed this person very badly. It didn't matter what lay before them, the only thing that mattered was the time they had allotted to them. He didn't want his safe, complacent life anymore so throwing caution to the wind they kissed once again and the world turned upside down and spun in a crazy spiraling way that shouted "DANGER" but he just didn't care.

The Tapestry of Life

He always struggled with the month of July ever since she left him. After all July was their month that they started their tapestry. Some fifty-five years ago they got all the material and cotton, wool, silver plenty of gold and colors. They weren't sure how the tapestry would turn out but they blindly jumped in and started weaving all the threads which were to bind them forever. The tapestry had been finished for almost five years now but she was no longer around to appreciate its beauty. They captured everything  and it amazed him how there were mostly bright colors even where he thought blackness would appear.

This beautiful creation started out with only a couple of threads but as they wove it it became crowded with the delights of loving lustily and purely. There were pictures of their seven descendants, and their offspring and it showed when they lost their baby teeth and cut their grown up teeth as they all made the errors that bound them together. This beautiful creation showed the joy of a man and women loving, laughing and crying capturing all the colors of the rainbow.

While she left some four and a half years ago she really started to leave him little by little, inch by inch  much earlier until for a few years before the finality of it all she left him altogether while her physical presence was still there. He thought for sure that this is where their tapestry would show complete blackness, there was some but it was really dominated by gold and he came to understand as he studied their tapestry that through the darkest moments he grew to love her more instead of less and somehow she grew to love him deeper than she could have if she wasn't slowly deteriorating. A riddle of life I suppose.

For a time after the completion of their tapestry he just took time to study it and think about all they had but had no more. After a time sadness became a sort of waiting for the time they'd meet in the afterlife. He really had no thought to doing more than having a few laughs and waiting for the inevitable. Life throws curves however and in his complacency there enter another who woke him up to the fact that life is for living not waiting to pass into the hereafter. He searched to see if he had any thread left to start a new tapestry. He had none left. Then it dawned on him, of course they used up all that was given to them their time was finished and showed that in the tapestry. This could be a new creation, full of love, full of colors, full of gold. But he couldn't do it all by himself. The threads had to be given to both of them so they could start to weave their tapestry of life. Then he really became frightened. What if she didn't want to create a work of art woven and strengthened by cords of gold and silver? What if he didn't have enough time left to complete any work of art much less start it.

One thing he knew he didn't have the time he had when they started on the first tapestry. This thought only confirmed to him that he'd better live each day as if it was his last because a glut of time belongs to the young who generally waste it  and he sure as hell wasted plenty and didn't want to waste anymore. In any case he had to play the hand dealt him. The important thing is to play the game and the outcome depends on many things which can lead to many surprises. So he figured I guess I can start this tapestry with a little bit of love and try and complete it bit by bit and if she wants to join in then maybe we can have a true work of art.