Growing up has always been painful to him. His earliest memories were of his mother hugging him to her breasts as he suckled on her teats. He was hungry, cold, and a bit fearful. His mother fed him, kept him warm against her soft body and all fears he had were gone because his mother was there protecting him. As he grew older his mother hugged him less and while she fed him a lot she couldn't calm his fears as they grew in proportion to his gaining in age. Worse than that she became more of a nag. She didn't like his staying out late. She didn't like his drinking hard whiskey. She wanted him to be more responsible. He wanted to be kept warm and protected but becoming an adult wouldn't allow either of them to be as loving or needing as when he was a baby.
On top of everything else he found out all the stories he was told that made life a wonderland were untrue. The stork did not deliver babies. There is no tooth fairy only a mean old Dentist who seemed to enjoy poking at the nerves of teeth with a very small pick. Popeye was not a real person who got strong by eating spinach So when he was told "Eat your spinach and you'll grow strong like Popeye!", it was a lie. Spinach didn't give him big forearms and never would and his parents had lied to him. And even if he didn't eat everything on his plate, "The people in China would die!" was another untruth that only led to him overeating and getting fat. As he grew up becoming an adult and leaving his childhood behind he had to let go of more and more of the magic land a child lives in and face the reality of life.
But one thing he found hardest to let go of is if there is actually a Santa Claus. Wow! This is a great guy he thought when he first heard of him. A fat jolly elf dressed in red who worked all year long up in the coldest place on earth just to get toys and games to all the kids around the world. He really didn't understand how he did it but it was done in one night in a great celebration of the Birth Of Jesus to make all the kids in the world to have a good time even if only for a short time. He was amazed over the fact that despite landing on some icy roofs Santa never fell and hurt himself. He never stubbed his toe and got mad enough to say "Damn". He always chuckled and laughed. Whatever he did he did for others and that was what gave him the most satisfaction. Amazing, Santa never thought of himself.
The older he got the harder it was to believe in the existence of Santa. His brain told him the whole Santa thing was a myth. How could someone go down chimneys without getting stuck? How could one guy make toys for all the kids in the world? How could one old fat guy be happy all the time? All the old fat guys he knew were old grumpy men. But the harder it got to believe in the myth the harder it got to let go of such a wonderful spirit of love, concern and good nature. He finally made a decision that would let him to keep believing in Santa Claus while at the same time recognizing that perhaps an actual person called Santa doesn't actually exist.
The spirit of Santa Claus exists in the spirit of good will and love that lives in humankind because that spirit is endowed by its creator. "We humans weren't meant to be sad, mad or indifferent". So the Spirit of good will, of wanting laughter not tears to fill the world, to really want all children, and we are children regardless of age, to be warm, well fed and safe and to grow in a world full of love even though the actual condition for most of us is not so. He thought, "The Spirit of Santa, will drive us collectively, as a race, to eventually find this place of love and safety in the world we live. This is the Santa Claus he holds onto, refusing to give up because this Santa lives in the hearts of all men and women waiting to burst forth with the spirit of happiness and love.
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