Friday, October 26, 2012

Sometimes You Get What You Wish For AND It's Good!

When he was younger he thought it would be best to get rid of everything he had a connection to and life would be easier. He loved his Dog and she died way too soon. He loved his Grandmother, and she passed before he could ever tell her how sorry he was that he was so disrespectful to her. He loved High School but before he knew it the four years passed and everything connected with High School was gone, the guys, gals and the teachers that he grew to love. All gone and he was without the places, things and people he loved.  He got married and before he knew it his kids grew up and didn't need him anymore. His wife got sick and passed way too soon. His latest pet, friend, a mixed breed named Jessie left him all too soon.

So he figured the best way to protect against the feeling of loss and the pain of separation was to place himself behind a wall, a facade, that no one could penetrate. He kept his feelings to himself. He made sure all the things that had to be done when he passed was done. He no attachments. He could now pass gently into that dark night whenever the time came. There would be no more loving and caring. All that was too painful.

He lived in this manner for a number of years and it was good. He had nothing to consider but himself. He didn't have the closeness of his early days of marriage and an active family. BUT he was protected he couldn't feel the pain of love lost, and the end of relationships brought about by time and events. Yes, he was comfortable. But he was also becoming a bit bored. The challenges of the life he set up for himself just wasn't challenging enough. He was safe behind his walls of indifference but he was becoming more of a lump on a log rather than an active living human being.

He thought to himself maybe he should get out and meet with some of the guys he knew from his childhood. He did this and there was other people he met, new people. This is good he thought as there was some activity happening but he did miss the feeling of caring for someone, the feeling of being in love. But while he thought this was good this was too much of putting himself back in the position of being hurt through rejection or separation through events that one couldn't forestall from happening.  Too much had to go into relationships that included love. Therefore, while wishing for something like a loving affair he shied away from that type of relationship.

One day he ran into her, a gal he knew from a time half forgotten in his life. She was full of life. She was witty, full of fun and ideas that challenged and on top of everything else she was good looking. What seemed like a sudden rush he was falling for her. He became frightened that this was going to lead into the hurts that he felt throughout his life when he loved deeply and then lost the very things, the very people he loved. But he couldn't stop himself. The magic of her personality was too much for him as it drew him more into what seemed like a relationship he wanted. Suddenly he wasn't thinking only about himself. He was thinking about her, her problems, her joys, her life. He wanted to become part of that life but was afraid if he let her know that she would reject him letting him down softly with the offer of remaining friends.

Now he was kicking himself in the pants. He let his guard down and he was in love again. He was caring. His life had picked up a great deal of verve, elan and panache and he was enjoying every minute he could spend with her. At the same time he was open to be hurt. Maybe her family and friends would reject him. And he couldn't help but think over and over again that maybe he didn't fit into her life. Maybe he was that bumbling oaf that he saw in the movies that always screws up and looks foolish.

He finally came to the time that he had to chuck all his fears aside. He had to broach the subject with her. He had to find out if she had any feelings for him the way he had for her. They went to their favorite restaurant, and over a glass of wine he told her how much he wanted to have her in his life and how much he wanted to be a part of her life. She let him ramble on for what seemed a long, long time to him. When he finally came to the end of what he was saying, she sat with some tears in her eyes while she sipped her wine in quiet reflection. Well he thought, here it comes, "Let's be friends." speech. He was starting to feel foolish and he wished she would say something because he felt he said enough. She reached over the table and they half rising met over the middle of the table and their lips met in what he thought was a most sublime moment. After they kissed she said,"We've only known each other for a short time and I believe that it takes longer to really know if a deeper relationship is possible.", his heart began to drop as he figured the kiss off was coming. She went on after a short pause, "I am not sure I am ready for a relationship and all that it brings with it. My heart tells me to go with my feelings but my mind tells me to hold off before any commitment is made. Can we just take it a bit slower and see where it leads to?". He took a deep breath and figured it was worth the shot so he answered, "OK, we'll give it some more time, meanwhile we'll continue to see each other and let our emotions take us where they will". With that they kissed deeply and ordered another glass of wine. 

Monday, October 22, 2012

Decisions Faced! Decisions Made!

Here he found himself with a decision that might have a profound effect upon the rest of his life. The day started out as any other. His wife wanted him to take something to her mother. She also wanted him to take the kids with him so they could get out of the house for a drive but really so she could see what it felt like being alone in the house without five little boys yelling and fighting. So he figured what the hell if I give her this maybe I'll get that after with a smile. So he loaded the kids into the back seat, no seat belts back in the day, and he took off. It was always an adventure trying to find a parking space where his in-laws lived. A couple of guys actually beat him out of really good spots and he was fuming as he parked ten blocks away. Then he had to unload the kids who were already jumping out of their skins because they had sat in one place for a half hour or so. The ten block walk to where he had to go was an adventure and he was already hating the walk back after he had to be nice to his in-laws who never really liked him and whom he thought were a little, maybe a lot, nutty.  He got to his in-laws and the kids always liked the ride up the elevator but today they were fighting over who would press the buttons until they pressed every button so it was a local up nine floors. He finally reached the apartment and entered with the kids, the grandparents were never too happy to see the kids all at one time so he figured they'd get the bums rush out of there after he delivered the parcel, which by the way he was very happy with.

The exchange of pleasantries with all the kisses went well and after fifteen minutes they were on their way down in the same elevator with the same childish nonsense going on and stopping at every floor. The walk back to his parked car was as exasperating as the walk to it and he had to hold himself back from whacking his little darlings. Happily they got into the car and they were on the way. His mood however turned much darker than when he left his wife a short time ago. He was behind a car at a light that turned green but the car wasn't moving. He blew his horn and the car stood still. He drove around the car and flipped the driver. He was driving for a few blocks and when he glanced into his rear view mirror he noticed the car following was the same guy he just flipped and he was gesticulating  furiously. "Goddamn", he thought that guy is trying to catch up to me. He tried to ditch him by turning up some back streets but the guy was still coming. He was in a foul mood already but suddenly he was furious and he thought about the lug wrench he kept under his drivers seat for such a moment. Forgetting everything, he let the guy cut him off and when he got out of his car he was humongous. However with all that was happening he thought, "I'll wait til he gets near the door I'll open it in his face jump out and crush his skull with the lug wrench. I don't give a damn if I kill him!" From the other car he could hear the wife calling him back as she held her infant in her arms. As he was approaching the thoughts raced through the mind of the father with his five sons in the back seat. He saw himself slamming the car door in the intruder's face. He saw himself jumping out of the car and crushing his skull until the blood covered the road. Then the thoughts came flooding into his mind, that now the wife with the infant in the other car would be without a husband and a father. That the police would come and there would be a trial and he could spend a lot of time in prison. That his wife and sons would have a miserable life without a husband and father. That if he let go with all his anger he could ruin ten lives which were before him and who knew how many to follow, as well as all others who were peripherally tied to them.

The big guy reached the door and called him all the names he could think of, challenging him to step outside and settle this. He was tempted, as he felt he looked cowardly to his kids, but his mind kept going back to destroying lives that needed a chance to live, to make mistakes, to experiencing joy. He was faced with a choice that would change the world for all concerned. So he ate his pride and even though his manhood felt crushed he said he was sorry and told the guy to go back and comfort his wife and kid. The guy left and laughed as he said "You are not a man!".

He remembers the incident clearly even though it took place some fifty years ago. Few times in one's life is a decision made that can have such a profound effect on the rest of a family's life. He was always afraid his sons would think of him as a coward but they barely remember the incident. He and his wife had two more children after that incident. Those children would never had been born if he opted to crush, "Jerry", was the name being called to from his wife. And if those two children were never born the world would have missed great joy. His five sons grew and lived well and enjoyed life. He and his wife lived and loved a long, long time after this incident. After the incident he put the lug wrench in his trunk to use only to take flat tires off the car. There are only a few decisions of the many we make in a lifetime that profoundly affect the rest of our lives and touch other lives as well. He thought we should remember all that we can of these decisions so we can appreciate just how lucky we are that we did make the correct decisions, hopefully.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Let Me Vent 2012 Version

Have you noticed that most drivers here in the Eastern seaboard of the USA never pay attention to Full Stop Signs? Why bother? There are the full go right through drivers. They cut everybody off and never are in the accidents they cause. Then there are the "genuflecting" drivers. They almost stop but just bend a little then gun the engine and cut the other guy off. As they pass the flip the other driver. Cops never get these guys but somehow get the guy who does everything right but is going 2 miles over the speed limit.

This brings me to the Police who are parked by a street corner in plain view. They think they are going to catch a traffic violator? Why? If we can see them only the real dumbbells would cause a violation. They are really there because they are near the time they will sign out or have lunch and hope they aren't called on their radio. In other words they are wasting time. When some fool does break a traffic law they are very mad because this fool is holding them up from what they want to do which is go home or eat.

On the Parkway, Southern State mostly, there are bikers that are going way over the speed limit. The travel many times in gangs. They go up the lines between cars clearly violating that law as well as the speeding ones. Do you ever see the highway patrol pull them over? I never had and don't expect to. What about the jackass who swerves in between the cars going from one lane to another while he is doing 80 miles per hour? The Highway Patrol never pulls them over. Who gets pulled over? Why you and I who maybe going five miles over the speed limit while we stay in our lane and all these fools are passing us. Where's the justice?

Why are some of the smartest people I know buying Romney's recent debate victory. He clearly lied. I mean bold face lie. When pressed on his stance on his tax plan instead of providing details he said something like "If I say it will not cause a deficit then who are the so called experts to say it does?" But he just goes on to the next lie, like his health plan has the same provisions as Obama care, which it doesn't. Oh yes he clearly won the debate. But he lied his way through it and the brilliant people around me say he is a genius. They also believe he and his wife really are plain folk like you and me. Now my parents were poor, my father had to work two jobs always, my mom cooked left overs. And when I wanted to go to college they would have loved to lend me the tuition which was much less back then, BUT THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE MONEY! Get the point? He grew up in luxury. We didn't (you and me). When he married and they had their five boys I don't care what she says she had to do, Anne Romney, she didn't approach what my wife had to do with 7 kids in diapers. And Mitt, he didn't have to have two jobs, go to school at night like we did. Nor did he have any loans he had to pay off. I think it is great that they live and have lived in the lap of luxury all he has to do is admit it like a man and stop trying to sell himself and his family as the common man!

Love is a great thing. Why do the young and the rest of society think it belongs only to them? You may see a young couple kissing and sigh isn't love wonderful. Yet you see Octogenarians do the same thing and you might turn away in disgust. You certainly won't sigh and say "Isn't that wonderful.". And have you noticed that today's 25 used to be yesterday's 15? Don't believe it when they tell you today's 50 is yesterday's 40. It isn't. Lose a job at that age and go without one for many months and you will understand  what I am saying.

And speaking of love, anyone see "Hope Springs"? A story about an aging couple who became bored with each other as they fell into the rut of living without excitement. They have to regenerate the exciting romantic sexy part of their lives or they shall die of boredom. Why do people think that only happens to those who have been together for a long time? I have noticed many in their 20's who after the first spark have settled down into TV watching, Chips eating and beer drinking couples after dating for a few years. I never see a picture of that group trying to regenerate their sex lives. Maybe it is funnier to see an older couple like Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones struggle with their sexuality than to see a younger couple with the same problems. Ageism at work?

The Yankees are playing uninspired ball to say the least. No one is hitting. Jeter has a broken ankle and is out for the rest of the year. They are dispirited and need building up. Yes that's correct they need building up! Instead the fans at the game are booing and saying insulting personal things. I am ashamed to admit these are New York people. These guys are professionals making big money but they are human beings too. Boo if they aren't trying or you think they aren't but leave out the personal stuff. I read in the Papers that Nick Swisher has received personal insults for him, his family and wife. Swisher is one of the most energetic guys to have ever played here in NY. He is full of life. He is full of joy. No one tries harder than he. Yet he is attacked by fans? They are fickle people here. Yes we booed Joe D. as he ended his career but we never stopped loving him. We booed because we felt the pain of his eroding talents. But we never got personal. Today's fan doesn't understand. While these guys are playing for themselves they play for the team and the team plays for the fan. Everyone tries his best and they need support more when they slump than when they succeed. They have to be lifted up when they fail. Baseball is a game of failures. To bat .300 one has to make out 7 times out of every ten at bats. And .300 is a good average yet it means the batter failed 7 out of ten at bats. Ted Williams in 1941 hit .406 and no one has hit .400 since yet it means he failed almost 60% of the time he set this amazing average. So all I am saying is I am almost ashamed to say I am a Yankee fan because of the horrendous way the Yankee fan has been acting during the struggles of their team. I hope the Yanks come back against Detroit and get a chance to play before their fans in New York. And I hope they will be cheered win or lose and in some way Swisher gets an apology.

I have not been a fan of Joe Geradi as a manager but this year pulling A-Rod and pinch hitting for him was a gutsy move probably not made by many managers. The way he has held the team together with the loss of his stars, Rivera, Jeter and the lesser stars like Gardner has made me a fan. He had to manage with his gut, as well as his statistics. Also his father died while his team was in the title run. He was extremely close with his father. But he kept it from the papers until a local OBIT printed it. He kept it from his players so it wouldn't become a distraction. All in all, win or lose, this was Geradi's year he became a real good major league manager.


Sunday, October 7, 2012

Once Upon A Time

There was a time he was robust. That was at the beginning. He didn't know it at the time but now that he was at the end of his existence he fully understood it. She was lonely but never fully understood it. She thought her life had been full but it lacked someone to share with fully. Oh she had lovers but they were shallow and the association always came down to being there for the moment but not forever. One or two might have held out the promise and they shared her family problems and helped in raising her children. When it finally came to making the full commitment they backed off. They weren't bad guys only weak ones.

Way down in her psyche without her realizing it she pined for someone to share love, to share life on a deeper level, one with meaning that touched the soul not just the senses. Out of nowhere he came along. What she wanted seemed to be embodied in him. Not at the start, but as they got to know each other they seemed to be fulfilling each one's needs. It seemed her thoughts were creating him to be the one she never had but needed so desperately in her life. He seemed real but he was only a figment of her imagination. As long as she loved him he grew strong and vibrant.

Then one day, there was something, she couldn't put her finger on it, but that "something" started to make her feel that he wasn't everything she wanted. Somehow that type of thinking pervaded her thoughts and the less she thought of him the more she thought that her past life wasn't so bad. The more she felt the need to return to her past lovers the less robust he seemed. His life was being sucked out of him as her love for him decreased. She never fully realized it but she was the the reason he had life, he had meaning.

She didn't want him to leave but he couldn't remain with her as she took the lifeblood out of him. The less love she had for him, the less she wanted to be with him, the more he started to disappear. He tried to reach out to let her know he was losing his ground and was disappearing. She didn't hear him. Finally, he just disappeared. She missed him greatly but not enough to want him back. So she returned to her old ways. She had plenty of friends, pursuers. She had a great business and social life but it all lacked the deep meaning she pined for the love that cut to the soul not the relationships that only touched the surface. But then the deeper relationships required giving up too much of herself, and she was not ready for that.

She lived out her life alone in a very nice assisted living situation. He of course was never heard from again.