Friday, September 21, 2012

I Woke Up and I Was Dead

I woke up one day and I was dead. I knew something was not quite right since I was floating above my bed which held my body. I really didn't feel too much different than I felt when I went to bed the night before. I had a slight headache, but nothing to take an aspirin about. In fact I felt pretty good. Dave Letterman's monologue was pretty funny and right on target as he lampooned both of the current pretenders to the Presidency. I directed the remote to the TV as I hit the power button. I laid in the same fetal position I have always laid in while I pulled the covers over me and laid my head softly on my pillow. It seems to me that I fell asleep almost immediately which is something I haven't done in quite some time.
AHA, that's it! I didn't fall asleep immediately. I died at that precise time! Boy that was really peaceful. I haven't felt that much at rest in my whole life. But then if I died then what the hell am I doing floating above my body between bed and ceiling? Aren't I supposed to be somewhere other than here? Aren't I supposed to be getting judged or something? Why do I feel like I am in a sort of limbo. Yes I am dead but I can't leave here until I find out what is holding me here and stopping me from going to wherever I should be going.

I had to focus. I had to think. The last day I was alive what was it like? I mean Dave Letterman's monologue couldn't be the most important moment of my life. It really was just a fleeting moment of nothingness that at least gave me a laugh before I departed this earth for eternity. I have to go back over the last day before I decided to go to sleep.

Let's see, I woke at the usual time about ten minutes before the clock radio went off around five twenty in the morning. I remember wishing I could sleep the day away like I did when I was a kid but those days belonged to the past the way I did. I sort of wandered around around the room trying to shake the cobwebs from my mind and get my bones greased up enough so I could move without any aches and pains. The radio blared with an old Beatles song, "All you need is Love". A nice thought I figured as I hummed along with them. I listened to the early news headlines, the weather report and then I shut off the radio. I shaved, took a shower and groused most of the way as I got ready to meet the day.

Then it struck me. I was floating between bed and ceiling because the last day of my life was thrown away without realizing all the good things that were there before me. I couldn't leave this earth until I rectified this.
I forced myself to re-listen to the Beatles "All You Need Is Love", to listen to the word's meanings. When I remembered shaving I actually felt the warm water finding my face and the nice soft feeling of the suds on my face. I remembered my shower making my body come alive with its warm water awakening my bones.

I wasted the day grousing and being grouchy and never looked at the beauty of the trees as they majestically kissed the earth while raising their arms towards the heavens. I wasted the day thinking of only myself. I withdrew into a shell. Why? Who knows why we do stupid things. I should have called my daughter and told her how much joy she brought into my life. I should've called my sons and let them know how proud I was of each and every one of them. But all I did was draw into myself. Couldn't let anyone know I am soft after all I am tough. Right?

The pride that kept me from showing how much I loved also kept me from letting whomever was close to me at a distance. When I let my wife know how much I loved her she was too far into Alzheimer's to know the depth of my love. Now it was too late to express all I felt to my new love. Sometimes it is easier and far safer to let a joke end the sentence. And now it is too late. I am stuck in Limbo between bed and ceiling looking down at my dead body. I can't experience the goodness and beauty of all the earth has to offer. I can't experience the joy of love shared between parent and children. I can't experience the wonder of loving and being loved. I was too worried about pride. I let the moment escape me and I can't do anything about it.

As I was looking down at my body in bed I realized I needed another chance. I knew if I received that chance I'd probably screw it up again but I needed just one more chance to give life a try. As I was wishing for this chance I felt a sensation, sort of like a vacuum, that was drawing me downward towards my lifeless body until with a great swoosh my spirit entered my body. My hand raised to wipe the sleep from my eyes. I really didn't know what had happened. I would have to give this experience a lot of thought. But I awakened and was glad that I had only dreamt that I was dead. After all it was only a dream, wasn't it?

Post a Comment