Monday, July 16, 2012
No Hurts, No Joy, Risk It
There was a time when he could keep his emotions under control. What the hell, he thought, I let everyone into what's going on within me and then they can attack my vulnerabilities very easily because everyone is out for themselves. It was much easier to hide behind the facade of not giving a damn. After all he did try the approach of being more attuned to the vibes around him but he had been hurt too much to continue doing that.
Business wise he tried to play it fair but there were crucial times that his best friends betrayed him just when he needed them most. Even when he attempted to right the ship that was taking water there was always business associates who were competing with him not to necessarily do the right thing but to satisfy the higher ups so they could win greater recognition. So he figured the hell with it I will survive and the way to do that is to never let those on the outside see who he really was, what he really felt.
The one girl he really loved and with whom he really felt comfortable was taken from him too, too soon. But people were not going to see the inner emotions which were driving his insides apart as he mourned her disappearance. So he lived his life with the quick hand shake, back slap and laughs always lots of laughs. No one would see the tears behind the laughs. No one would be able to hurt him anymore.
So he went through this stage of his life taking a lot but giving very little. Why take the chance and then once any one could see his vulnerabilities he could be attacked. Screw that. He was never hurt during these years. His shield was up and no one was going to penetrate it. But, the only trouble was the longer he lived that way the more he became a person going through the motions. Sure there were no tears but the laughter was as hollow as his soul was becoming. He was safe though, and that is what mattered.
Then by chance he met her. They seemed to hit it off and he figured she'd be good for a few laughs. They went out for a few times and the emotions he was hiding all these years were starting to rise up from within him. He would fight to keep the feelings inside of him after all, he wasn't going to be hurt again, by rejection, by betrayal, by showing off his weak spots.
The longer they saw each other the harder it was to keep his emotions bottled up. Could he risk it? Truth be known, he knew that not letting himself be subject to the chance of being hurt he might avoid pain but he would also keep the feelings of joy, the feelings of passion bottled up never to be experienced again. He realized he had to take the chance. and tonight was the night. Since he met her he wanted to laugh again the laugh of true mirth not the hollow laugh of derision. He wanted to be able to shed tears of happiness and sadness. He wanted to reclaim himself. He wasn't sure what her reaction might be or how he would be able to let her see the weak part of him. His facade was to be strong, tenderness was not to be shown But now he he knew that he had to let her see all of him and he feared that once seen she would run away with derisive laughter.
That night as they were at dinner he reached over and held her hand. Trying not to look foolish he told her how much he loved her and then held his breath. She looked like she didn't know what to say but just before she was about to answer he asked her to listen to something he memorized from "The Bridges Of Madison County" explaining in words he could never conjure up where his emotions were in relation to her.
In my imagination, on foggy mornings or
afternoons with the sun bouncing
off the water, I try to
think of where you might be in your life and
what you might be doing as
I'm thinking of you. Nothing complicated-
going out to your garden,
sitting on your front porch, standing
at the sink in your kitchen. Things like
that. I remember everything. How you
smelled, how you tasted like the
summer. The feel of your skin against mine,
and the sound of your
whispers as I loved you.
When he finished she had tears in her eyes and whispered I love you. When he heard this all the emotions he had held in all these years burst forward, as his eyes whelmed with tears of happiness. He leaned over the the table finally throwing all caution to the wind and kissed her passionately and long.