Friday, October 26, 2012

Sometimes You Get What You Wish For AND It's Good!

When he was younger he thought it would be best to get rid of everything he had a connection to and life would be easier. He loved his Dog and she died way too soon. He loved his Grandmother, and she passed before he could ever tell her how sorry he was that he was so disrespectful to her. He loved High School but before he knew it the four years passed and everything connected with High School was gone, the guys, gals and the teachers that he grew to love. All gone and he was without the places, things and people he loved.  He got married and before he knew it his kids grew up and didn't need him anymore. His wife got sick and passed way too soon. His latest pet, friend, a mixed breed named Jessie left him all too soon.

So he figured the best way to protect against the feeling of loss and the pain of separation was to place himself behind a wall, a facade, that no one could penetrate. He kept his feelings to himself. He made sure all the things that had to be done when he passed was done. He no attachments. He could now pass gently into that dark night whenever the time came. There would be no more loving and caring. All that was too painful.

He lived in this manner for a number of years and it was good. He had nothing to consider but himself. He didn't have the closeness of his early days of marriage and an active family. BUT he was protected he couldn't feel the pain of love lost, and the end of relationships brought about by time and events. Yes, he was comfortable. But he was also becoming a bit bored. The challenges of the life he set up for himself just wasn't challenging enough. He was safe behind his walls of indifference but he was becoming more of a lump on a log rather than an active living human being.

He thought to himself maybe he should get out and meet with some of the guys he knew from his childhood. He did this and there was other people he met, new people. This is good he thought as there was some activity happening but he did miss the feeling of caring for someone, the feeling of being in love. But while he thought this was good this was too much of putting himself back in the position of being hurt through rejection or separation through events that one couldn't forestall from happening.  Too much had to go into relationships that included love. Therefore, while wishing for something like a loving affair he shied away from that type of relationship.

One day he ran into her, a gal he knew from a time half forgotten in his life. She was full of life. She was witty, full of fun and ideas that challenged and on top of everything else she was good looking. What seemed like a sudden rush he was falling for her. He became frightened that this was going to lead into the hurts that he felt throughout his life when he loved deeply and then lost the very things, the very people he loved. But he couldn't stop himself. The magic of her personality was too much for him as it drew him more into what seemed like a relationship he wanted. Suddenly he wasn't thinking only about himself. He was thinking about her, her problems, her joys, her life. He wanted to become part of that life but was afraid if he let her know that she would reject him letting him down softly with the offer of remaining friends.

Now he was kicking himself in the pants. He let his guard down and he was in love again. He was caring. His life had picked up a great deal of verve, elan and panache and he was enjoying every minute he could spend with her. At the same time he was open to be hurt. Maybe her family and friends would reject him. And he couldn't help but think over and over again that maybe he didn't fit into her life. Maybe he was that bumbling oaf that he saw in the movies that always screws up and looks foolish.

He finally came to the time that he had to chuck all his fears aside. He had to broach the subject with her. He had to find out if she had any feelings for him the way he had for her. They went to their favorite restaurant, and over a glass of wine he told her how much he wanted to have her in his life and how much he wanted to be a part of her life. She let him ramble on for what seemed a long, long time to him. When he finally came to the end of what he was saying, she sat with some tears in her eyes while she sipped her wine in quiet reflection. Well he thought, here it comes, "Let's be friends." speech. He was starting to feel foolish and he wished she would say something because he felt he said enough. She reached over the table and they half rising met over the middle of the table and their lips met in what he thought was a most sublime moment. After they kissed she said,"We've only known each other for a short time and I believe that it takes longer to really know if a deeper relationship is possible.", his heart began to drop as he figured the kiss off was coming. She went on after a short pause, "I am not sure I am ready for a relationship and all that it brings with it. My heart tells me to go with my feelings but my mind tells me to hold off before any commitment is made. Can we just take it a bit slower and see where it leads to?". He took a deep breath and figured it was worth the shot so he answered, "OK, we'll give it some more time, meanwhile we'll continue to see each other and let our emotions take us where they will". With that they kissed deeply and ordered another glass of wine. 

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