Wednesday, October 10, 2018
The affair started out like gangbusters. There was everything that said these two could never be a couple but despite the differences they became one. For three years they happily shared their desires, actually two and a half years because the affair actually stared to cool around two and a half years after it stared.
Everything was fine as long as they stayed committed to each other but she started to become affected by the other people in her life that didn't want this affair to be successful. She never realized it but she became manipulated by the desires of her daughter who managed to get her to see her old lover . They had broke up because according to her she was tired of being the other woman. He was
married and kept saying he was getting a divorce but when push came to shove he stopped the proceedings and she realized she's always be the other woman. But while they were together the daughter adopted this guy as a father figure, and he was better than he actual father but she wanted her mother to stay in that relationship because it satisfied her needs. So under the guise of her meeting him she had to have her mother along.
This caused friction because the current hot affair couldn't survive when the third person in the room was a five hundred pound elephant, if you get my drift. So they argued until she finally decided she no longer loved either one of them physically. What had been a hot romance cooled completely. He, not the ex, decided that they should break up but she didn't want that. The fact of the matter she started to live in denial that there was anything ever physical between them. The fact that she kissed him first, that she wanted to rent the hot sheets room for almost three years so that they could spend three hours naked and drinking wine while they shared their innermost thoughts while holding each other while she confessed that this was the moments she felt safest no longer mattered because all she saw was she didn't want him to touch her in an intimate way ever again.
He is stuck in a relationship he doesn't want because he don't believe in living a lie based on denial. However, he can't find the words to end it all although he has tried. He wishes she would let it all go because it isn't going anywhere. They are just friends, lovers no more. He truly wants to end it all but I guess he's just a coward and will not do what he knows he should do and cut the chord. After all she is the one who has changed and doesn't want to acknowledge what was actually happened but is not going to happen again therefore changing whatever they had into something he doesn't want and she shouldn't either. But until something unforeseen happens they shall remain stuck in neutral.
Friday, September 21, 2018
I of course felt I had lived a pretty selfish life for many reasons. but I wondered why I wasn't getting the same reasoning from people like the person I was talking to a little while ago. I fell asleep that night disappointed that the Yanks and the Jets both blew their ballgames. I woke up the next day however thinking not about the teams blowing their games but wondering if people thought I was selfish when I was certainly not.
I went to the 7 AM mass as is my custom still perplexed about what I considered a misconception about my life. This is where the story becomes a bit mysterious. But first let me set the context. At my daily mass I have conversations with Jesus, mostly what I am telling him and occasionally he talking to me though thoughts, homily's or biblical readings of the day. While I was in the middle of expressing my views about my being unselfish a thought of something that happened some 50 years ago popped into my head, truthfully I hadn't remembered this for some years but it was vividly being displayed in my imagination this day.
It was a Saturday. My father was in the last throes of his cancer. We had the last of our 7 children and they were mostly in diapers. I was getting very little sleep working two jobs and going to night college. I would get up at 3 and place my name in early place to play golf. Golf was very important to me. After Golf I would visit my father and mother and sit with them for a few hours counting his minutes left here before he entered eternity. This Saturday after signing up for an 8 tee time I returned home to find that my wife was not feeling well. The kids were already driving her crazy. I really should have stayed home but I would've missed seeing my father and what seemed like a mortal sin, I would've missed my GOLF (Horrors), so I convinced my wife that she was really OK just dragging a bit in fact I had her do a few stretching exercises to prove she was OK.
I went and played a round and didn't do badly, for me anyway. I was at my fathers with my mom when I got a call about 4 PM from one of the neighbors, my wife gave her the number, my wife was in bed for bed rest according to the doctor who said she had bronchitis and bursitis and would I come home to take care of her and the kids. I really felt awful about this but after all I got my golf in and nobody died. I guess I forgot about this conveniently because this was a completely selfish day and I didn't want to think about me being so into myself I couldn't see the that the person I loved so much needed me and I failed her.
The mass proceeded. After communion I thanked Jesus because I knew he got to me to understand I guess we are all selfish at times and sometimes not just a little selfish, but enough to realize that there must of been more times in my life that I was even more selfish that this time, but Jesus was kind enough to let me off the hook figuring I got the lesson he was trying to teach me. So I left the church with the admonishment of not to be so quick to judge, especially when it comes to judging yourself.
Sunday, September 9, 2018
Memory plays tricks . But it isn't memory that causes this it is the Id, Ego and Super-Ego that transforms things that actually happened to what a person "wants" it to be.
I know two people who shared a sexual relationship, they kissed, hugged, rolled around together fully naked and shared very intimate moments and actions. Yet one says they never had sex while the other remembers when that person screamed in delightful ecstasy actually thanking the partner for passion and sexual delights.
This dichotomy is not only happening at the sexual level it happens at all levels. It comes to mind that one person's parent was going through the pain of dementia which included anger, wandering, forgetting and great confusion. The caregiver knew someone who experienced all this including the confusion of figuring out finances and placement in hospitals and nursing homes. The caregiver enlisted this person's help including listening to the fact the patient couldn't change but the healthy ones could and should just to keep everyone's sanity. Talking with the parent, accompanying the caregiver to hospitals and nursing homes until everything was settled. Help was asked and given even though the experienced one was reliving the pain of what had to be lived with the problems encountered previously. The passage of time has left different impressions of what had happened. The helper remembers the time given with love and help that was needed. The caregiver, as time passes, seems to think no one helped. Nothing malicious in this but just the way it is as time changes situations and people become distant for whatever reasons.
Humans have a way of changing events in their minds to fit the circumstances they want because maybe it is too painful to admit their childhood was lacking parental love and guidance, or perhaps a breakup of a love affair happened because they simply fell out of love and what was exciting once is no longer exciting. Whatever the reason the memories are tainted by what the mind wants to accept.
My thought is one can never be truly happy living a lie. One has to clear the mind tricks the brain plays upon us because only by finding the truth will we be able to understand who we are and where we should be going on this highway of life.
Wednesday, August 1, 2018
The most disappointing isn't the fact that our President is a philandering crook that resembles the description of a mafia Capo with a family that fits the description of a mafia family. The most disappointing thing about it all here in the good old USA is that 35% to 40% of the voting public know it and do not care. I'm not sure why but they just don't care.
Adding to the disappointment is the fact that they know deep down in their hearts that Trump is in the hip pocket of Putin and they don't care so much so that they will decry all the proof showing this and they will decry the fact as "fake news" and the investigation of Russian interference into our election process as a "witch hunt" even though they know there is no such thing as "fake news" except that which is spewed out of the mouths on Fox News and the only "witch" that is being hunted is a true one name Trump and he should be caught.
Hopefully our 35% - 40% will wake up and realize before we are taken over by the "Evil Empire" headed by Trump reporting to Putin that there is no good in evil even if they think stacking the Supreme Court and getting tax breaks are good things. Evil Empires have come and gone in the history of the world but not before they wrecked havoc on the world that still is giving the bad effects it gave birth to.
Wake up America before your children and grandchildren pay for your mistake of accepting evil for good!
Wednesday, July 18, 2018
Thursday, July 12, 2018
When he was married he knew just by a touch when things were going right or wrong. They had lived so long together, so close together, so as one it seemed in many respects they were one. Not everything was right all the time. They had differences. They had fights. They had lives separate from one another. Yet they always came back to the fact while they could survive alone they couldn't live alone. They needed one another, to live, to enjoy the joys of life. They really didn't need any others although others added to their mutual living, laughing, loving.
Then she left. She didn't really choose leaving it just came upon them, over the years, until there was nothing left so she just slipped into eternity.
He went some time being alone then he found someone who while never replacing her filled the void that was there after she left. There was excitement, a feeling of mutual attraction that fed upon a touch, a kiss a sharing of intimate details of their lives.
There came a time when their relationship just wasn't enough so the urge to rekindle old friendships which might have even been relationships intruded upon their idyllic time in Eden. No longer was there sharing, touches, kissing. The relationship continued but on a cooler, less intimate level and that is the way it continued until it reached a point where he realized there was no romantic relationship at all. The fact of the matter was, as he thought about it all, they had a relationship but one that was quite different from the one they had for the first three years that they knew one another.
They definitely were in love but the Greeks knew very well that there were different kinds of love and that's why they had more than one word describing the term we have which is one word, love.
With his first love affair that lasted 50 years he experienced all the six stages the Greeks referred to. But with his love they never lost the first stage which made their relationship special and unique because what they shared was intimacies that bind each one to the other so that they become "one" as Jesus said. They shared all forms with each other and only some with others. When the time came for separation there was no regrets, only a true sense of loss on his part.
With this relationship he was in now they shared Eros but she now didn't want to remember that as if it never happened. This is a form of death he didn't like experiencing. He guessed what they share now is Philia and Pragma which wouldn't be bad if that was all they ever shared but that wasn't the case. Her exclusion of their affair is like saying they never lived or shared that experience and of course to him that is like saying I was drunk and really would like to forget doing something I regret.
He had regrets but not the same as she. He regretted that they lost something that was like magic and could've bloomed into real magic if she wanted it but somehow how she didn't want it. He saw this as an end to an affair. She didn't! and he is in Limbo, that stage of life that is neither here nor there, just hanging suspended in air until something has to happen which causes it all to drop suddenly.
There's gotta be a better way to end a love affair! At least he thought so!